06.16.11: That Weird Feeling- "Old"

As you may could tell by the title, I'm in an odd mood. Have an odd feeling. And I can't quite place it.

I dare not say I'm "old" as to offend those my elder in years. And I dare not say I am "young" as those days are past me. "Young Adult" seems to be the title most apt, but not quite descriptive enough.

"Out of Place."

"Haven't found my place."

"Lost."

"Searching."

I think that's it. "Searching." Right now, I am "Searching." Where IS my place?

Certainly not Lubbock. (I hope.)

I feel that there's been some change in my life recently. Oh wait, there has. There's a new member to my family. Someone who I don't know well now, but through the years will spend many a holiday getting to know. If he'll ever talk. haha... That is to say, my sister was married recently. And of course, as anyone will attest to, being an older sibling who didn't marry first has a bit of a stigma.

However, in my family at least, it was expected.

I'm a brazen personality. I'm loud. I do things my way. And I put what I value first in my life. "Settling down" has never been one of those things that I valued.

Sure, as a child, (OK, even now), I have dreams of my own well decorated home, a husband that I cook dinner for, snuggle up to the television with, and spend my nights in his arms. But that's it. It's just a dream. I never really pictured it as much more than that.



I always figured, when I was ready to get married, I'd know.

I'd find the right guy, and I'd know.

But, what do you know?

What do I know?



I had a good day today. Slept in. Had some lunch. Cleaned a little. Watched a movie with my roommate and wonderful friend. Had a delicious dinner with another close friend. Went by myself to see a film version of the NYC Philharmonic in concert with a star-studded cast perform "Company."

Afterwards, I saw a bunch of people I knew. People I used to call friends. Now? Acquaintances.

And I felt old. Out of place. Distant.

I am by no means saying that I long to be back in that group, that clique. We had some good times, but it was for that time. Not now.

I feel like Patti LuPone in her scene talking about how they're too old for the young generation, but too young to be with the older people.

So where am I?

Why haven't I found my place yet?




Sometimes I want to be reckless. To be honest, a lot of times I do.

I want to run away.

I want to do what I want.

I want to go out, do what I love, and fall flat on my face and absolutely FAIL. And fail so fantastically.

And what's so bad about that?

Really?




I want to sing. I want to stand in front of hundreds of people at night and make them laugh, make them cry, make them feel every emotion they never thought they could feel.

I want to work in the day to make the world a better place.

I want to make just enough money to get by and a little extra to give to those who need it.

I want to put a smile on someone's face every day.

And that's just Monday.





It's Thursday now.




Does that mean it's too late?