As I sit here well into the night with no light except the glow of my computer screen to sparkle in my tears, I know that this is where my heart lies.
Even as I child I knew it.
There are some people in this world that are blessed to have the courage to not care what others think. These people are content in pleasing themselves and only those they care about. I am not one of these people. I care. I care very deeply what others think of me. Is this a bad thing? Sometimes. It has definitely been one of the driving forces in my acting out for years. Many times I'm tagged as a "goofball," "funny lady," "LOUD," "diva," and so much more... Why? I do it for attention. I feel like if people are giving me attention, it is because they feel I am deserving of attention. I have such an inherent desire to be wanted, to be liked, to be loved.
This is why I love acting: instant gratification. The roar of the crowd, the tears in their eyes, the expressions on their faces... you know by the end of that monologue or song whether you sold it and whether they love you for it.
Call me an "Attention Whore." It's fine. It's a bit crass, but true. Like I said, I don't crave the attention for feeling powerful or important. I simply want to be liked.
So, when there's that shining moment when you have the opportunity to be told face to face by people you admire, respect, and love that they feel the same way about you?
It brings tears to my eyes.
SO many people have been nothing but absolutely WONDERFUL to me throughout this whole process. Being on the stage again, it's like coming to life again. I have so much, SO MUCH joy in my heart. I love it. I love it so much that I can barely see the screen right now through the tears pouring down my face.
I have never loved any past time or job in my life as that of being an actress.
And finally, FINALLY now getting that validation from people, hearing the words come from their mouth that they respect me as an actress... My heart can't handle it all. It's too much...
My director has told me repeatedly how much he is enjoying working with me. My stage manager who I love so much and revere as a fellow actress has worked me and made me grow and focus so much. People who basically "run the show" around the theatre have complimented me and shown such love for me in the past week... Actors, actresses, friends... I don't know what to say. It overwhelms me.
To FINALLY have the chance to show every that I CAN. I CAN DO IT.
It brings tears to my eyes.
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