05.24.10: I lied...

That's right.

I lied.

What I spoke of earlier is not the only thing in my life.

Love. Not actually "love," but rather the lack of it.

I'm not going to lie. I'm sick and tired of being alone. Since coming to college, it's been hardly anything but crush, after crushed, after being crushed. Literally crushed.

I can't take that lifestyle anymore. And I'll admit, it's not just the guys to blame. I was majorly at fault as well. I had spent so many years cooped up. When I came to college, it was like unleashing this, Ugh, I can't even explain it. I just had so many opportunities, so many choices. I wanted them all. And so, I tried. I tried to choose as many as possible. And it just wasn't possible.

Now, I feel the pain of my mistakes. Granted, I don't necessarily regret everything. Some, yes. All, no. It's made me who I am, and I can't change it, so why try? Why not, look at who I am now, and find the compliment to me as I am?

And that's what I want. I want my compliment.

I've spent a few months thinking about it. It hasn't been rash, or hurried. It has been thoughtful, contemplative, and deliberate. I am trying to calm myself and begin the search. Not necessarily "aggressively," but rather, being mindful of who am I with, who they are, who we could be.

I'm not going to lie. Yes, when I meet guys, or even talk to guys I already know, I'm totally evaluating them as potential mates. haha... Now, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm completely sizing them up and down for myself. Rather, it's learning from who my friends are as to what I'm really looking for in my other half.

Continuing in honesty, I'm impatient. I'm lonely, and hurting, and waiting. Waiting not so patiently. And, I've cried. I'll admit it. I've cried a lot more than I probably should have in the past few months. This longing has not been in me in a long time, and it's hit me hard. I've done so well being independent and getting through school on my own. But I'm past that point in my life now.

I'm ready to be with someone.