05.02.10: Dear God, Are you still there?

...it's me. Jacie...

Are you there? Are you real? Are you listening? Is this thing on?

The fear I have is insatiable. It consumes. Infests. Rampant. Slowly. Heavily. Greatly.

With graduation looming, I have the whole "so-much-to-do-and-so-little-time-to-do-it" fever upon me. I really shouldn't be taking the time to even write this, other than the fact it's a welcome release from my regular work. (Much more creative and emotionally cathartic than my typical academic BS.)

I want a relationship. I want someone I can call at 1 in the morning when I can sleep. I want to be over to go over to his place, pop in a movie and fall asleep on the couch. I want someone who will stand by me when I can't stand anymore. I want someone to love me.

Wow. "I want someone to love me." That's a lot to ask. But you know what? I WANT THAT. I do.

I've felt like such a girlie-girl lately when it comes to all this romanticising crap. Why can't I go back to that confident, single woman who was happy with who she was alone?

Maybe that's why. "Alone."

Don't get me wrong. I'm not completely alone. I've got some fantastic, amazing, wonderful friends. But that's not the same, and you know it. I know it. We all know it.

Solo. Uno. One.

I'm fading fast and have much to finish this evening, so I must go for now. But before I do, let me say one more thing.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Words to live by. Words to live by.